Infertility….so much harder than my MCTD

March 25, 2018

It’s very hard. I don’t think I’ve ever written such an understated sentence.

I’ve lived with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease for eight years, with pain, fatigue, a body that is totally unreliable and this is harder.

Of course, it’s all connected. No doctor has actually said that to my face, and this surprises me. No-one has said, ‘you haven’t fallen pregnant because of MCTD,’ but as the test results return with no answers, it just has to be the case.

With MCTD, I accepted it early on. My mind became strong and I was thankful for the good days. People often comment on my positivity but there is something about the definitive nature of a life-long, chronic illness, you’re forced to accept it…there is no other way.

But with infertility – no-one says – ‘you’ll never have a baby’. On the contrary people are constantly telling you it will happen. These things take time, relax, my brother’s best mate’s cousin’s dog was in the same situation and they fell pregnant naturally when they just stopped thinking about it.

Well I am thinking about it. I think about it every single day, and it is so tiring. The heavy weight of every failed month casts a dark cloud over each day. Every pregnancy announcement on Facebook hurts – stings. Every time a baby celebrates their 1st birthday I wonder if we were trying to fall pregnant before those parents were. And I’m bored of this. I’m bored for my friends and family who know I will bring it up, who know I report news of friends’ pregnancies to them with a slight bitterness, that I try to hide when they show delight at the news.

After ovulation tracking, taking letrozole to help with ovulation, so many blood tests, getting a HSG – one of the most unexpectedly painful experiences of my life – to timing….EVERYTHING….so that there is no joy anymore.

We finally made peace with the idea that we would have to do IVF. I researched and joined support groups online and prepared myself for the fact that this would not be an easy road and it is not guaranteed to work.

What I didn’t expect was that we wouldn’t even easily get to the point of IVF. My blood tests showed a slight elevation in my thyroid levels. Something that wouldn’t need to be treated usually, but levels that aren’t safe when trying for a baby. And so IVF was pushed back. I was medicated and monitored to see if my levels sort themselves out.

I am told at this point that yes – this is a common problem with people with autoimmune disorders like mine. I do my research and find out that this is a common cause of infertility. Could this be the reason?

So we’re waiting to start – and as a new pain niggles my left side on and off for weeks, I’m worried that it’s something I should be worried about. Something that could cause more problems in IVF – or is it just MCTD with its random pain?

This weekend, each morning I have awakened feeling as though I have run a marathon, while lifting weights. It hurts to roll over and the very real fear takes over my mind that I am about to inject hormones into my body – that will hopefully lead to a successful pregnancy – and more hormones. What if I can’t get out of bed? What if I’m in so much pain that life stops?

I try not to fear the un-known but I’m almost as scared of this working as I am of it not working. Almost.


3 Responses to “Infertility….so much harder than my MCTD”

  1. Shevy said

    Hang in there and stay strong ❤

  2. Beth said

    My heart breaks for you over and over as I read this. I am thinking of you and praying so hard that it works for you but also praying you find happiness through all this shit that has been weighing heavy on your heart. I pray you find happiness – even if it’s just for a moment as the sun shines on your face. For just one second. That happiness finds it way to you as you fight this good fight that will be so worth it.

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