One year.

July 12, 2017

So. We just passed the one year mark. I can’t believe it. I honestly believed it would happen more easily.  Not because I wasn’t aware of how many people struggle to fall pregnant but if I’m totally, completely honest…I thought it would happen more easily for us because…haven’t I been thrown enough curve balls that maybe I ‘deserved’ to fall pregnant easily?

Isn’t that ridiculous? I can’t even believe I thought that.

Then I would imagine, it will probably take 6 months….that’s pretty standard. Hmmm maybe 8 months. Maybe we’ll find an issue when we get the tests done and we can resolve it. Maybe ovulation tracking will help get the timing right.

And now at 12 months…that’s 14 cycles for me, I’m exhausted. Not only emotionally and mentally from the absolute rollercoaster of hope and disappointment that is trying for a baby but 8 of those months saw me having an MCTD flare every two weeks.

Every two weeks I went into fever, couldn’t lift my body off the bed and could only lay there and cry.

A change in meds…increase in prednisolone, off the anti-inflammatories and off the plaquenil has seen me flare free for about 4 months. Working from home two days a week has really helped as well…that four hour daily commute is a killer.

I’ve come to a strange sort of calm right now. I cannot imagine having a baby…I cannot predict when it might happen. I have no control over when it might happen.

So I feel like I’ve let go a little bit. Just a little bit. Part of it is focusing on how brilliant my life is now and how lucky I am.

Part of it is changing my expectations of how I saw my life. Three kids may not be in our future and it might take us years to have just one.

People will continue to have babies around me, and fall pregnant easily and quickly. It won’t make sense but it doesn’t have to.

Someone said to me recently ‘Don’t run anyone else’s race…you can only run your own.’ I don’t know why that stuck with me, but it did.

So…with better health on my side, after a year of no work travel, I’m saying yes to trips again and I can not wait.

Ready? Refocus. Recharge.

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13 Responses to “One year.”

  1. Colin said

    Fabulous outlook Nomsie. It will happen, probably at the most inconvenient moment. Stay positive. Aussie land beckons again. Much love

  2. colin brehaut said

    A lovely “chin up” bit of text Nomsie. Keep going, it WILL all fall into place, although Dane may look a little tired ! LOL. Aussie land is calling to me, so stand by. Big hugs. (Just remember kids/babies are like taxis or London buses..you wait…and wait and all of a sudden bloody three come along at all the same time!)

  3. Sarah said

    Sad that your baby dreams have not eventuates and happy that you are feeling well…….. I have been told Endometriosis and MCTD can go hand in hand, do you suffer this condition also??

    • I’m not sure, I’m going to be asking at my next doctor’s appointment.

      • jodiebodie said

        If it’s any help knowing this, I ended up with the triple threat – MCTD, endometriosis and adenomyosis. There was some thought in the endo world that the whole endo process is likely to be just another manifestation of autoimmune processes. Certainly fits the bill with my picture.

        I’m sorry that you haven’t fallen pregnant yet. I think you are on the right track with ‘letting go’ a little. There are frequent stories of people falling as soon as they stop trying because they are under less stress straightaway without the pressure etc.

        It’s great that you are feeling a bit better after being off Plaquenil. I took a break from it because I suspected it was causing my skin reactions and I felt better without it too. This was fine for about 6-8 months and now I am trying to work out whether recent symptoms are just flares that were going to happen with or without plaquenil or whether it is the change of season or whether lack of plaquenil is allowing the disease to progress. How can we ever be sure?

        I hope the nasty flares become fewer in frequency and the feeling good continues. Fingers crossed for you!

      • Thanks Jodie. Just noticed I never replied.

  4. Gretta said

    It’ll happen. Just be patient. Things come to us when we least expect it and aren’t even trying any more. It took me 3 year before I had my first one. Then a little over a year I had a 2nd then a year and a half another 1. After my 3rd I could do it again if I wanted to. My body really hated it the last time. The end of the pregnancy was horrible. I could barley get outta bed. Let alone walk up a flight of stairs. They put me on bed rest without the bed because they knew it wouldn’t be possible. Talk about really hard having 2 toddlers. I wish you the best of luck!

  5. Sarah Beauchene said

    Things might have changed for you since this post was months ago, but if not… I’m here to encourage you that you can make it to the other side. I was on the exact same gut wrenching rollacoaster. One year turned into two then a constant big blur of friends and the family having pregnancies and children and you try to pretend that you aren’t stuck in some kind of lonely limbo. Just know, there is hope. On top of MCTD I have a pituitary adenoma that joined the team in not letting me get pregnant. After EIGHT years of doctors saying it wasn’t going to happen and me giving up 1,000 times – I conceived naturally and had a beautiful baby girl at 41. I didn’t want to hear it during those torturous years, but it gives you a strength and patience that you never knew before. The coping skills forced on you are a hidden blessing in all of it.

  6. gentlepup said

    I wonder if you might have hypercoaguable blood. It causes problems with conception and also contributes to miscarriages once pregnant. I had several miscarriages in a row and docs finally put me on heparin shots (blood thinners) while trying to conceive and throughout the pregnancy. Your rheumatologist should be able to check for hypercoaguable states. If nothing else, aspirin has anticoagulant properties.

    Good luck to you!

    From Jenny in Kansas

  7. Jacki said

    If it’s any consolation, I had stumbled across this blog and I have never felt so relieved to find someone literally in the same place as I. With the same diagnosis and same prayer for a child. You are the first person actually to sound so close to what I say and feel and I too started to blog about coming off methotrexate. Even some of our blogging sounds the same. With that being said, it isn’t easy nor fair the simple dream of others is such a hardship for us but I truly believe as HARD as it is to always try your best to stay positive. Believe it will happen. And when the timing is right one way or another, it just will. My prayers are with you. I look forward to continue to read and see your dreams come to life.

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