My rapid spiral downwards #4

June 27, 2010

You might have noticed I took a wee break from writing about ‘my downwards spiral’ it isn’t easy re-visiting those memories of pain but it is important to explain the full story.

One experience I had regularly, and sometimes still have, and I think others with a chronic illness or general sickness will probably relate….sometimes, just sometimes, you pretend it’s all in your mind and you ignore it. You just pretend you have made it all up and that you can do everything you always could.

Some might think this is a positive ‘nothing can stop me’ attitude, but when there actually is legitimately something stopping you from living your normal life…you are going to suffer consequences if you ignore it.

Even these days, when I’ve been living with MCTD for nine months, sometimes I will ignore it. Like the other day I did aqua aerobics for the first time. I had been swimming the day before and was ready to step it up. I’d never done it before and it was a little challenging, especially using the arms. I was totally exhausted afterwards and the next morning I could have cried with the pain I was in.

All across my shoulders and back ached and the idea of getting out of bed and facing the cold was not inviting at all, but I have a job to get to and I promised myself I would not let this disease to ever affect the performance I give at work, and I had a meeting to get to!

So down went the morning cocktail with a few panadeine to help ease the pain…didn’t do much though.

Yeah but that is an example of me pushing my limits and pretending I can do the things I used to be able to, when at some point, I just have to accept, that I can’t.

Anyway, let’s go back a few months when it was still summer and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t on the drugs yet so a painful time.

I decided I was going to continue my active search for a man and was not going to let the pain stop me dating. The problem was when they suggested something physical like bowling or biking or rock climbing  or hiking the Kokoda Trail (ok maybe I am exaggerating that but it did feel like guys always wanted to get out there and make me prove my physical capabilities, of which I now have very little haha)

Anyway, I started dating this one guy and it was good because he was happy to watch a movie or go to lunch or take a stroll on the beach which suited me fine.

One day we went to the beach…I think it was Balmoral and after getting myself out of his lowered car seat and walking to the sand and lowering myself to the towel the last thing I wanted to do was go swimming. This small amount of activity had exhausted me and it was so hard to stand again once I was on the ground.

Nearby us a couple were playing bat and ball. You know those hard hand bats and a little hardish ball that people play with on the beach and in the park. Well, I LOVE THAT GAME. It springs from hours of fun at Nanna’s place where my sisters and I would amuse ourselves for hours with the bat and ball.

My heart gave a little leap as I remembered how fun it was and then it hit me. I couldn’t play that anymore. There is no way I could swing my arms around like that, running back and forth in true bat and ball style. And I started to cry.

On the beach, on a date, with a virtual stranger and I could not stop crying. At first I tried to hide it but then the tears just would not stop. I cried and I cried and I cried and I apologised profusely.

I had mentioned my illness earlier but what made me cry even more was that this guy thought I was crying because I thought he wouldn’t like me because of the illness. At this stage, I did not give a damn what some guy thought, I was crying because I couldn’t play bat and ball anymore. My life had totally changed and there were so many things I couldn’t do anymore.

To this guy’s credit we dated a while longer but it didn’t work out. I wonder what he thinks of the day he went to the beach with a girl who cried over ball games.

Don’t worry, things start to get better. Have you read Then Suddenly…the sun came out?

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2 Responses to “My rapid spiral downwards #4”

  1. Bev said

    ooooh, you poor saus you!! but, from experience, i can say, that’s it’s always best to be checking out all the have-nots, to change one’s persective!! and, don’t try to think too much about the “what coulda beens” and “what should be” etc. all of which, is easier said than done, but, nevertheless, is a necessity to survive, and find a new you? sometimes i can do it, and, occasionally i need to wallow, and go through a grieving process for what is lost. so, i wish for you, the smallest grieving processes known to mankind (well, womankind, in this case?). cheers and wishing you the best of everything possible ……………. bev.

  2. […] reading abot My rapid spiral downwards #4 Posted by naomijoyce83 Filed in Uncategorized ·Tags: medicated, pain 3 Comments » […]

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