My rapid spiral downwards #3

June 14, 2010

There are some moments over the last few months that I can’t believe I lived through. Before I go into them, just know that now I’m medicated, I don’t experience this regularly anymore. I could not have gone on with this amount of pain and for that I am so thankful to my doctors, my rheumatologist and to the scientists who created the drugs that have made my life liveable. I hate relying on medication to get up in the morning but the fact is, I CAN get up in the morning thanks to the tablets I take. For that, I am so thankful.

I was at the point, before medication, where I was sitting on my lounge and physically could not stand up without assistance. It was like my body had forgotton how to stand and the pain was stopping me from doing what I’ve done my entire life. It’s hard to comprehend. I went through it and I still can’t comprehend it or explain it. But I had to get my flatmates, my best friends, to pull me to my feet, being cautious not to squeeze my aching hands or I would burst into tears.

I desperately wanted to lie in a hot bath but I remember getting to the bath and not being able to figure out how to sit. I stood for 20 minutes turning around and trying to ease myself down but my body would not bend that way. I left the steaming bath and slammed into my room sobbing hysterically.

Another time, on a day I was feeling pretty good, my friend Tracey and I went for dinner at our local Chinese place. The meal went fine but when we went to leave I just asked her to give me a second while I eased myself to my feet, straightened myself up and put one foot in front of the other, like a little old woman. To me I felt quite used to this by now, but when I saw the look on Tracey’s face I realised how bad I had gotten and how, it wasn’t that she was embarrassed of how I was walking but how helpless she felt that I was no longer the friend she was used to going out dancing with. It was a sobering moment.

One night, after I had made it up our stairs, smiled painfully at a neighbour who asked if I was ok since I was taking a step at a time, I eased into our flat and laid on my bed bawling my eyes out, but the more I cried, the more a stabbing pain in my back hurt like crazy. I took two ‘calmative’ tablets and tried to sleep. However, my body fell asleep but my mind did not. I was locked inside my body, which was shooting pain all over the place and yet I couldn’t roll over or move and I was so exhausted I thought I might die, if only I could.

I  managed to call my flatmate on her mobile from the next room and got her to get us a taxi. She managed to ease me into the taxi and call my mum and sister who drove an hour to meet me in the emergency room. The shooting pain was unbearable but the exhaustion and tablets had made me a little delusional so it didn’t feel so bad.

It turned out that was a urinary tract infection, on top of everything else but as I didn’t know whether my illness was affecting my internal organs, I was terrified that my body was shutting down. It was a scary, scary time.

Just doing my job

Part of my job was driving around NSW to run information sessions about working overseas. I had to lift a suitcase of brochures, projector, laptop and paperwork as well as a banner out of the car and into the venue. I had driven two hours and I was so exhausted, the idea of speaking to a crowd of people for two hours was so overwhelming. But this was my job, I had done it a million times and there was no one else to do it. I was completely alone and I had no choice at all. This was a rock bottom moment and when I got back to the office I cried and cried and cried. I could not handle any more.

Luckily….soon after this I was diagnosed and medicated. Things started to look up.

Keep reading abot My rapid spiral downwards #4

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3 Responses to “My rapid spiral downwards #3”

  1. Bev said

    hey naomi – your mum sent me the link – and, i’d just like to say that i commend you on your endeavour to get information out there regarding your condition. there’s just not enough information out there regarding the myriad of autoimmune disorders in general and in the general community – and, when you think that combined, more people are suffering from these disorders than ANY other specific disorder or disease? there also needs to be more money spent on research, and more push for this to happen. so, the more info the better? and also, i wish for you, a speedy recovery into remission, and that you stay there, and that you can get your life back. i feel confident that you will, as you obviously have the right frame of mind, and you have youth and good health otherwise to stand you in good stead. meantime, HEAPS OF WELL WISHES………… cheers, bev.

    • Hi Bev,

      Thanks very much. I do hope it makes a difference to someone at some point. I hope you’re still doing well. Keep an eye on the blog and you’ll hear how things keep going for me. Haha

      Naomi

  2. […] reading about My Rapid Spiral Downwards #3 Posted by naomijoyce83 Filed in Uncategorized ·Tags: auto-immune disorder, MCTD, mixed […]

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